Thursday Feb 23

The Hilarious True Identities of Your Favorite Musicians

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People tend to look at rock stars as larger than life and cooler than cool.  Truth is, a lot of em are just as dorky as you or me. (Well not me of course, but you get the idea.)  Sometimes you just gotta fake it if you wanna make it in this world, and for this crew, that was probably the right decision.  They say its all in the name. While a great name alone won't make you a star, an awful one could be the dealbreaker. Would we have been able to tolerate a fire-breathing, blood-spitting madman named Chaim?  Could we possibly have put up with Xzibit's gangsta swagger if we knew he was really Alvin Joiner IV?  Would we think Vanilla Ice was as cool as we do if he went by his real name, Robert Van Winkle?  Um, nevermind.  Anyways, its time to pull away the curtain and reveal some of the most shocking, embarressing, and downright absurd birth names in the world of music.


Gene Simmons- Chaim Klein Witz....Jewish much?
George Michael-Yorgos Panayiotou....Yorgos? Really?
Elton John- Reginald Kenneth Dwight
Ginuwine- Elgin Lumpkin....sounds like a black hobbit
Elvis Costello- Declan Patrick McManus
Xzibit- Alvin Nathaniel Joiner IV....Alvin IV? How ungangster is that?
Akon- Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam...no joke
Yanni- Yiannis Chrysomallis
Michael Bolton- Michael Bolotin.....Probably for the best.  Bolotin kinda sounds like a daily laxative.
Manfred Mann- Manfred Lubowitz
Iggy Pop- James Newell Osterberg, Jr.
John Denver- Henry John Deutschendorf.  We've all heard "With a name like Smuckers, its gotta be good."  Well, with a name like Duetschendorf, its gotta be, well, have you ever actually listened to John Denver?
Bob Dylan- Robert Alan Zimmerman
Trey Anastasio- Ernest Guiseppe Anastasio III
Stevie Wonder- Steveland Hardaway Judkins
Yngwie Malmsteen- Lars Johann Yngwie Lannerback....what an improvement.
Flea- Michael Peter Balzary
Freddie Mercury- Farrokh Bulsara
T-Pain- Faheem Najm...something tells me this name wouldn't have gone over to well with mainstream America.  At least not like the ingenious T-Pain
Snoop Dogg- Cordazer Calvin Broadus Jr.
Lil' Bow Wow- Shad Anthony Moss
Alice Cooper- Vincent Damon Furnier
Vanilla Ice- Robert Van Winkle.....I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried
Lou Reed
- Louis Firbank
David Bowie- David Robert Hayward Stenton Jones
Eddie Vedder- Edward Louis Severson III
Kenny G.- Kenneth Gorelick
Peter Tosh- Winston Hubert Macintosh.....How many potheads do you know named Winston Macintosh?
M.I.A.- Mathangi Arulpragasam
Cher- Cherilyn Sarkisian
Redman- Reginald Noble
Master P- Percy Miller
Shaggy- Orville Richard Burrell....Always thought he looked like an Orville
Silkk the Shocker- Vyshonn King Miller
Bono- Paul David Hewson
The Edge- David Howell Evans
Sting- Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner
Les Paul- Lester Polfus
M.C. Hammer- Stanley Kirk Burrel
Alice Cooper- Vincent Damon Furnier
Bon Scott (AC/DC)- Ronald Belford Scott
Marilyn Manson- Brian Hugh Warner
Axl Rose- William Bruce Bailey
Slash- Saul Hudson
Robbie Robertson (The Band)- Jaime Royal Klegerman
Perry Farrell (Jane's Addiction)- Perry Bernstein
Mama Cass- Ellen Naomi Cohen
Ozzy Osbourne- John Michael Osbourne...What a nice Christian name.  How'd that work out for ya?
Joey Ramone- Jeffrey Ross Hyman
Q-Tip- Kamaal Ibn John Fareed
Nas- Nasir bin Olu Dara Jones
Common- Lonnie Rashid Lynn, Jr.
Ice Cube- O'Shea Jackson
Big Daddy Kane- Antonio Mortimer Hardy
Kool Moe Dee- Mohandas Dewese
Lupe Fiasco- Wasalu Muhammad Jaco
Coolio- Artis Leon Ivey, Jr.
The Game- Jayceon Terrell Taylor...Dude, there is no y or c or e in Jason.
Nelly- Carnell Haynes, Jr.
Sly Stone- Sylvester Stewart
BB King- Riley B. King
Billie Holliday- Eleanora Fagan Gough
Tina Turner- Anna Mae Bullock
Meat Loaf- Marvin Lee Aday
Bo Diddley- Ellas Otha Bates
Fats Domino- Antoine Dominique Domino
Sonny Rollins- Theodore Walter Rollins
Sid Vicious- John Simon Ritchie
Johnny Rotten- John Joseph Lydon
Joe Strummer (The Clash)- John Graham Mellor
Afrika Bambaataa- Kevin Donovan
Pat Benatar- Patricia Andrejewski
Dean Martin- Dino Paul Crocetti
Bjork- Bjork Gudmundsdottir
Jon Bon Jovi- John Francis Bongiovi Jr.
Mos Def- Dante Terrell Smith
Grandmaster Flash- Joseph Saddler
Barry Manilow- Barry Alan Pincus
Hannah Montana- Destiny Hope Cyrus...People who name their kids Destiny Hope suck at life.  I'm lookin at you Billie Ray...
Gram Parsons (Byrds)- Cecil Ingram Connor, III
Cat Stevens- Steven Demetre Georgiou (Now Yusuf Islam)

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  • Baseball's Mount Rushmore

    Baseball is a game of legends, larger-than-life stars ever ingrained in our public psyche. However, all too often, the off-the-field personalities get lost in the shuffle, dwarfed in the eyes of history by the Babe Ruths and Jackie Robinsons of the world.  Here then is the Mount Rushmore of those other legends, the pioneers and innovators that built baseball into the game it is today.  

    1)  Alexander Cartwright, Jr.--
    In truth, there is no big bang of baseball, no moment when the inspiration for what would become the American Pastime was beamed down from the heavens. For centuries, men had played cricket, rounders, and other various contests featuring bat and ball. However, if you're going to point to one man who truly set the wheels of baseball in motion, that man is Alexander Cartwright. Cartwright was a bank teller and volunteer firefighter who for many years had played various ball games around the parks of New York City. Though many of these games roughly resembled what we now know as modern baseball, Cartwright showed up one day with some newfound inspiration. As his friend Duncan Curry recalls of that Spring afternoon in 1845, "Cartwright came to the field...with his plans drawn up on a paper.... He had laid out a diamond shaped field with canvas bags filled with sand or sawdust for bases at three of the points and an iron plate for home base. He had arranged for a catcher, a pitcher, three basemen, a short fielder and three outfielders. His plan met with much good-natured derision, but he was so persistent in having us try his new game that we finally consented more to humor him than with any thought of it becoming a reality." Cartwright would proceed to codify a set of accepted rules and engineer what is widely accepted today as the first organized baseball game between his Knickerbockers and the New York Club at the Elysian Fields in Hoboken, New Jersey, June 19th, 1846. Three years later, lured by the California gold craze, Cartwright began trekking westward, along which he would spread the gospel of baseball. Barely twenty years following that day in Hoboken, there were thought to be over a thousand organized baseball clubs scattered across the country.

    Note: Though many think of Abner Doubleday as the creator of baseball, history has all but proven this to be myth. In 1907, The Mills Commission, appointed to determine the origin of baseball, concluded that "the first scheme for playing baseball, according to the best evidence obtainable to date, was devised by Abner Doubleday at Cooperstown, New York, in 1839." However, Doubleday never claimed this distinction in any of his writings, and it was even determined that at the date of the alleged invention, Doubleday was a cadet at West Point, his family having moved away from Cooperstown a year prior. Adding further doubt is the fact that the primary testimony on behalf of Doubleday lay with a man named Abner Graves, who after shooting his wife two years later wound up spending the rest of his life in an insane asylum. So yea, not the most credible of witnesses.  On June 3, 1953, Alexander Cartwright was officially declared by Congress to be the inventor of modern baseball.

    2)  Henry Chadwick--
    Often the best way of conferring legitimacy upon something is simply by committing it to paper. A British-born journalist in the mid-nineteenth century, Chadwick was one of the first to cover the infant game in print, writing up game summaries for the New York Clipper.  In it, Chadwick originated the box score, giving birth to a national obsession with baseball statistics and records that persists to this day. He also penned the "Base Ball Manual" and "Beadle's Dime Base Ball Player," guide books in which he described rules, techniques, and star players of the game.  The American Pastime was on its way.

    3)  Harry Frazee-- History has not been kind to Mr. Frazee. The infamous former owner of the fledgling Boston Red Sox will forever be linked to the disastrous transaction that sent Babe Ruth to the Yankees, damning the Sox to nearly a century of futility.  However, that may not be the only raw deal Frazee got. In truth, and this is coming from a die-hard Red Sox fan, Frazee had his hands tied, making a move that almost any other owner in his position would have made. For starters, Ruth was the ultimate diva of his day, a drunk, a womanizer, a hothead (at one point throwing a punch at an umpire), an egomaniac, and the farthest thing from a team player. During the 1919 season, Ruth refused to continue pitching, continually undermined his manager, and even went 'Manny being Manny' on his teammates by pulling himself out of the last few games of the season. That year, the Sox would finish sixth (in the two years following his departure, they would actually climb a spot to fifth). After that season, Ruth demanded that his salary be doubled, an unheard-of figure that Frazee simply could not pay. Ruth then proclaimed that he wouldn't play until his demands were met, all but forcing Frazee to negotiate a trade. Due to an ongoing dispute with American League president Ban Johnson, Frazee was effectively banned from dealing with any team but the White Sox and Yankees, two teams that also defied Johnson's corrupt reign. (Johnson's hatred of Frazee in part stemmed from his belief that Frazee was Jewish, violating an unwritten rule within the game to keep Jews out of the ranks of ownership. Frazee was in fact Presbyterian.)  It's hard to fathom that the only other offer on the table would actually have been more catastrophic than the one that ultimately transpired, but that's exactly the case. The White Sox offered up superstar "Shoeless" Joe Jackson and cash, an intriguing offer were it not for the fact that just months later, Jackson would be suspended for life for his role in the Black Sox scandal. At the time, the Ruth transaction was actually seen by many as being favorable for the Red Sox. In subsequent years, numerous inaccuracies were perpetuated about the Sox owner, many of which were motivated by the ongoing belief in his Jewishness and the notion that a cash-strapped Frazee selfishly sold Ruth to finance his landmark play No, No, Nanette. (which actually didn't come out until six years later) As we all know, Ruth would go on to transform the Yankees into a dynasty while the Red Sox would go titleless for 86 years. Whatever blame Frazee deserves, the impact of his decision upon the future course of the game is impossible to deny. For more on Frazee's misplaced maligning, check out the illuminating Glenn Stout piece 'A Curse Born of Hate.'

    4)  Kennesaw Mountain Landis-- When in 1921, baseball decided that it was finally necessary to bring in a commissioner, the game was reeling from the revelations of a fixed World Series.  That commissioner was Kennesaw Mountain Landis.  Upon the appointment, The Sporting News summarized Kennesaw's stated mission: "to clean out the crookedness and the gambling responsible for it and keep the sport above reproach...he would have no mercy on any man in baseball, be he magnate or player, whose conduct was not strictly honest...The Judge will be the absolute ruler of the game."  During his time in office, Landis did indeed rule with an iron fist, at once banishing the eight guilty players who had conspired to throw the World Series in the infamous Black Sox scandal. The ruling that was ultimately established-- 'Any player, umpire, club or league official or employee who shall bet any sum whatsoever upon any baseball game in connection with which the bettor had a duty to perform shall be declared permanently ineligible'-- would go on to be the damning assertion used against Pete Rose several decades later.
    Under his reign, Landis also helped usher in the live ball era.  From 1903-1921, small ball had been the order of the day, as a series of factors contributed to an unprecedented decline in offense.  Among them was the common practice of leaving baseballs in play for much of the game until they were brown with dirt, making it harder for batters to pick up while in flight.  Balls also became softer with repeated usage, resulting in a greater difficulty to drive with power over the course of the game.  Upon assuming power, Landis immediately legislated that balls be removed from play at the first sign of wear, causing an immediate uptick in offense as batters could not only see pitches better, but when they did, it would travel further on contact.   Landis also outlawed the spitball, further shifting advantage away from the pitcher.  From 1903-1919, the league-wide ERA had been 2.80.  In the decade that followed, it had jumped to 4.00.   Upon his death in 1944, Landis had transformed the game, restoring both its excitement and integrity.

    5)
    Mel Allen and Red Barber- Baseball on the radio would make its debut in the summer of 1921, as a man named Harold Arlin called the Pirates-Phillies match to an almost non-existent audience. However, it would be over a decade more before baseball received its true airwave ambassadors in Allen and Barber.  Known and beloved primarily as the voices of the Yankees and Dodgers respectively, Melvin Israel and William Barber were the first truly iconic broadcasters in American sports history. Initially concerned that radio would discourage people from actually showing up to the park, owners soon found the medium to be an unparralleled promotional tool for their sport (not to mention a great way to generate additional income).  By the 1940's, Barber's presence was so ubiquitous in Brooklyn, The Daily News mused "A person could cover the length of the beach of Coney Island and never lose his voice."  Perfectly suited to the pace and nature of the game, radio was instrumental in broadening the game's reach and appeal, expanding fan bases and turning local stars into national heroes.

    6)  Branch Rickey-- There is perhaps no man more responsible for changing the complexion, both literally and figuratively, of the modern game more than that of Branch Rickey.  When Rickey was named the general manager of the St Louis Cardinals in 1925, minor league teams operated independently of big league clubs, auctioning off their top prospects to the highest bidder.  Rickey decided to buck the system, buying his own minor league clubs through which he could develop talent and directly funnel players to his major league franchise.   It took only a single year as GM before the Cards captured their first World Series, and in time the homegrown talent of Pepper Martin, Stan Musial, and Dizzy Dean would take three more pennants for the Gashouse Gang between 1928-1932. By 1940, Rickey's farm had steadily expanded into an empire, claiming ownership of an astounding 32 teams while maintaining working agreements with 8 others.  Rickey moved on to the Dodgers in 1942, where he would continue his prowess in developing young talent, producing such stars as Duke Snider and Gil Hodges from within the organization.  However, his most important achievment was the signing of Jackie Robinson from the Negro League's Kansas City Monarchs in 1945.  Upon his major league debut two years later, Robinson would bring a pennant to Brooklyn, opening up the doors to full-fledged racial integration in the years to come.  Dickey soon left for Pittsburgh, where he would once again shake the baseball establishment with the drafting and promotion of baseball's first Hispanic player in Roberto Clemente.  When he ultimately retired in 1955, Rickey had introduced the modern farm system, racially integrated the game, popularized the use of the batting helmet and batting cage, and created the first spring training facility.  Moreover, he was perhaps the earliest proponent of what we now call sabermetrics, valuing such indicators as on-base percentage over average to further his advantage over the competition.  A maverick in the truest sense, Branch Rickey remains the most influential figure in the history of baseball, if not the entire sports world.

    7) Walter O'Malley--You're in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Walter O'Malley and have a gun with only two bullets.  What do you do?  Shoot O'Malley twice.  To many 1950's Booklynites, the Dodgers were everything.  In one fell swoop, O'Malley ripped it all away, unapologetically moving the team to Los Angeles following the 1957 season.  The vitriol knew no bounds as the Dodgers' owner become public enemy #1 to a city reeling in grief.  Harsh as it was, O'Malley's infamous decision would mark a pivotal moment in the course of baseball history, as professional baseball was finally introduced to the West Coast.  America's pastime had for half a century been concentrated predominantly in the Northeast, with the westernmost team being St. Louis at the time of O'Malley's ascendancy.  The first domino to fall had been the Boston Braves, who in 1953 relocated to Milwaukee.  However, it was not until the Dodgers split town that the game truly underwent a tidal shift.  O'Malley knew that to make baseball a reality in the West he would have to recruit a partner, and so inserted himself as key player in facilitating the Giants move to San Francisco as well.  The entire complexion of American baseball had changed, as O'Malley's Dodgers helped make baseball a truly national game.

    8)  Marvin Miller--Today, the Major League Baseball Players Association is the most powerful union in all of sports, and no man deserves more thanks for that fact than Marvin Miller. Elected head of the MLBPA in 1966, Miller soon made his impact felt, negotiating the first collective bargaining agreement with owners, increasing minimum salaries, introducing the all-important independent arbitration practice, and eventually ushering in the age of free agency with the invalidation of the reserve clause.  Under the reserve clause, players had been effectively married to their initial club, with that club retaining their rights from year to year not so unlike a piece of property. To make matters worse, those players unhappy with their compensation were forced to settle their disputes with the commissioner, who, as having been hired by the owners, was naturally biased in his rulings.  In 1974, after Cardinals' outfielder Curt Flood brought the issue of the reserve clause's inherent unfairness to the forefront, Miller encouraged pitchers Andy Messersmith and Dave McNally to refrain from signing a contract for the following year and instead enter arbitration.  Peter Seitz, the arbiter, ruled that the players had no legal ties to remain with their clubs and were free to pursue other offers.  The reserve clause had effectively been abolished and the era of free agency had begun. During Marvin's tenure, which stretched from 1966-1982, the average player's salary rose from $19,000 to $241,000.  His work signified a colossal shift in the balance of power between athlete and owner, an impact enjoyed every time a player signs on the dotted line to this day.

    9)  George Steinbrenner-- Before there was Jerry Jones, before there was Mark Cuban, there was George Steinbrenner. Loud, irreverent, controversial, and hyper-controlling (changing managers 20 times in his first 23 years as Yankees owner), George Steinbrenner was the archetype for the larger-than-life sports owner. Buying the Yankees for a measly $8.7 million in 1973, he turned them into a $1.6 billion franchise, the gold standard for sporting excellence the world over. Today, ballplayers earn more than the GDP of small countries, and perhaps no man is more responsible than the Boss. With it came unprecedented market inequality, as the Yankees payroll grew to such exorbitant levels that it literally sextupled that of the smallest market teams. Contracts are now bloated to the point of absurdity (see: Werth, Jason and Rodriguez, Alex) as owners from around the league struggle to keep up with the Evil Empire. 

    10)  Bud Selig-- Sadly, when all is said and done, Bud Selig will go down first and foremost as the man that presided over the Steroid Era, baseball's black eye.  However, to pin him solely as "The Steroid Commissioner" is to overlook the vast amount of good Selig was actually able to accomplish for the sport.  Assuming the role of acting commissioner in 1992, the former Milwaukee Brewers owner's first act was to realign the divisions and institute a wild card, expanding the postseason roster to eight teams.  Achieving permanent status in 1998, Selig would go on to make a series of other important changes, including the introduction of revenue sharing and interleague play, the expansion of instant replay, and the creation of the World Baseball Classic.  He also presided over a 400% explosion in league revenue and brought baseball to both Arizona and Tampa Bay.  Time will tell just how favorably future generations look upon his legacy, but one thing is for certain: Uncle Bud left baseball in a vastly different place from how he found it.

  • The Playing Days: The Former Football Careers of Today's NFL Coaches

    They say that those who can't do, teach.  When it comes to coaching football, however, a little on-field experience never hurt anyone.  Though the sidelines will never boast the skills of say the pregame roundtables, every once in awhile an athlete comes along who finds a way to transmit his own talents to the next generation.  Here are the former playing careers of today's NFL coaches.   

    Mike Singletary (Vikings assistant)- Samurai Mike was a two-time All-American at Baylor University before being drafted by the Chicago Bears in 1981. He went on to start 172 games for the Bears during his 12-year career (second most in club history), amassing an impressive 1,488 career tackles.  One of the most frightening "Monsters of the Midway," Singletary was a seven time first team All-Pro and two time Defensive Player of the Year.  Elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1998, Singletary fared considerably less well on the sidelines, lasting a rough three years at the helm for the Niners from 2008-10.  He is currently an assistant for the Minnesota Vikings.
    Jack Del Rio (Jaguars, recently let go)- The longtime Jags coach began his career as an All-American linebacker at USC, during which he would take MVP honors in the 1985 Rose Bowl. Del Rio concurrently excelled on the diamond, batting .340 and catching for a USC squad that included both a young Mark McGwire and Randy Johnson. Del Rio would be selected by the Saints in the 1985 NFL Draft, going on to play 11 years for four teams and earning All-Pro distinction in 1994. 
    Mike Munchak (Titans)- Munchak was a nine time Pro-Bowl offensive guard for the Oilers, later elected to the 1980's All-Decade team.  He entered the Hall of Fame in 2001.
    Ken Whisenhunt (Cardinals)- Whiz played for Georgia Tech in the early eighties, where he achieved first team All-ACC honors during his junior and senior seasons.  Drafted in the 12th round by the Atlanta Falcons, he would last four years as their tight end before stints with the Redskins and Jets.  In all, he spent 9 years playing in the NFL and almost a decade more coaching before taking the head reigns for the Cards in 2007.
    Gary Kubiak (Texans)- A member of the Texas High School Football Hall of Fame, Kubiak started behind center for Texas A&M before going on to have the unfortunate position of playing behind John Elway in his nine seasons with the Broncos. 
    Ron Rivera (Panthers)- The Panthers head man compiled the then record for sacks and career tackles at UCLA before submitting nine years at linebacker for the one of the all time defenses in the Chicago Bears of the mid-eighties..
    Jim Zorn (Chiefs Assistant)- After going undrafted from Cal Poly Pomona, Zorn became the starting QB for the Seahawks from '76-'83, becoming the second player ever inducted into the Seahawks Ring of Honor.  He spent the next three years serving as backup for the Packers, Buccaneers, and Winnipeg Blue Bombers.
    Lovie Smith (Bears)- A three-time high school state champion, Smith played college football at Tulsa, where he would garner two All-American nods at linebacker and safety.
    Tom Coughlin (Giants)- Coughlin attended Syracuse University where he played running back.  In 1967, he set the school's single-season receiving record.
    Sean Payton (Saints)- A journeyman in the truest sense, Payton holds the distinction of being the only athlete to ever start in five different football leagues over the course of just two years. A successful quarterback out of Eastern Illinois, Payton would go on to play in the inaugural season of the Arena Football League in 1987.  He was subsequently sold for $1,000 to the CFL's Ottawa Rough Riders before landing in the NFL as a Chicago "Spare Bear" scab during the '87 player's strike.  Once normal play resumed, Payton fell to the UK Budweiser National League, where he led the Leicester Panthers to the quarterfinals in his first and only year.  However, his journey had just begun.  Payton would ultimately coach at four different colleges and three different NFL teams before finally finding a home with the New Orleans Saints in 2006.
    John Fox (Broncos)- Fox was a defensive back at San Diego State under future NFL head coach Herman Edwards.
    Norv Turner (Chargers)- Backed up future Hall-of-Famer Dan Fouts for the Oregon Ducks of the early seventies.
    Jim Harbaugh (49ers)- An all time Michigan great, Harbaugh excelled under center for the Bears and Colts, the latter electing him to their Ring of Honor for his winning leadership of their mid-nineties clubs.  Despite his success, he is perhaps best remembered around Indianapolis as the guy Peyton Manning replaced.
    John Harbaugh (Ravens)- Older brother John was a defensive back at Miami.
    Chan Gailey (Bills)- Quarterback at Florida.
    Pat Shurmur (Browns)- Co-captained the Rose Bowl Champion 1988 Michigan St. Spartans.
    Jason Garrett (Cowboys)- Long time backup to Troy Aikmen during the mid-nineties.
    Jim Caldwell (Colts)- Defensive back at Iowa.
    Leslie Frazier (Vikings)- Member of the "G Crew" who spent the early '80s as a defensive back with the Bears.  Coaches Frazier, Mike Singletary, Jeff Fisher, and Ron Rivera all received rings as players from the 1985 Super Bowl Champion Bears.
    Jim Schwartz (Lions)- Schwartz played four years of linebacker for the Hoyas.
    Andy Reid (Eagles)- Offensive guard for BYU.
    Mike Shanahan (Redskins)- Quarterbacked at Eastern Illinois until a crushing hit on the practice field ruptured one of his kidney's, causing his heart to stop for over 30 seconds.  Shanahan was so close to death that a Catholic priest was actually summoned to read him his last rites.  Needless to say, that would mark the end of his playing days.
    Mike Smith (Falcons)- An All-State linebacker in high school, Smith went on to grab defensive MVP honors twice for East Tennessee State before landing in the CFL for a short stint in 1982.
    Rex Ryan (Jets)- Sexy Rexy served as a loyal foot soldier for Southwestern Oklahoma St Bulldogs, playing defensive end opposite his twin brother Rob in 1986.

  • The Greatest Modern Actors

    Marlin Brando once said "To grasp the full significance of life is the actor's duty, to interpret it is his problem, and to express it his dedication."  Just a short generation later, Jim Carrey would observe "Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass."  Yes, there is no recipe for what makes great acting and no surefire way to distinguish it from the talking asses of the world, perhaps in no small part because when it's at it's best, it doesn't seem like acting at all.  Ranking artistry is never easy, if not downright impossible.  It's undeniably subjective, contentious, and almost sure to offend.  Of course, that's never stopped us before.  

    Rankings were made taking into account overall ability and range, strength of the roles taken, longevity, influence, and awards won.  Listed alongside are each actor's best works, also loosely ranked according to how each exemplifies their talents.
    With all due respect to the likes of Dennis Hopper, Heath Ledger, and Paul Newman, actors must be living and relatively active for consideration.

    1. Robert De Niro: The Godfather II, The Deer Hunter, Goodfellas, Raging Bull, Taxi Driver, Heat, Cape Fear, Casino, Meet the Parents, Once Upon a Time in America.
    2. Al Pacino: The Godfather, The Godfather II, Scarface, Heat, Scent of a Woman, Carlito's Way, Dog Day Afternoon, Serpico, Donnie Brasco, The Insider.
    3. Jack Nicholson: The Departed, One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Shining, Easy Rider, Chinatown, Batman, A Few Good Men, As Good As It Gets, Terms of Endearment, The Little Shop of Horrors, The Pledge.
    4. Daniel Day-Lewis: There Will Be Blood, Gangs of New York, My Left Foot, The Last of the Mohicans, In the Name of the Father, The Age of Innocence, The Crucible, The Boxer, Nine, A Room With a View.
    5. Tom Hanks: Forrest Gump, Saving Private Ryan, The Green Mile, Road to Perdition, Cast Away, A League of Their Own, Big, Philadelphia, Apollo 13, Catch Me if You Can.
    6. Sean Penn: 21 Grams, Mystic River, Milk, Dead Man Walking, Carlito's Way, The Thin Red Line, I Am Sam, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Colors, Sweet and Lowdown.
    7. Clint Eastwood: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, Unforgiven, Million Dollar Baby, Dirty Harry, Gran Torino, Escape from Alcatraz, In the Line of Fire, The Bridges of Madison Country, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Hang Em High.
    8. Michael Caine: Sleuth, Alfie, Dark Knight, The Cider House Rules, Educating Rita, Hannah and Her Sisters, Little Voice, The Quiet American, The Italian Job, Harry Brown.
    9. Anthony Hopkins: Silence of the Lambs, The Remains of the Day, Shadowlands, Nixon, Amistad.
    10. Morgan Freeman: The Shawshank Redemption, Unforgiven, Se7en, Glory, The Dark Knight, Million Dollar Baby, Gone, Baby, Gone, Driving Miss Daisy, Street Smart, The Sum of All Fears, Batman Begins, Outbreak, Amistad, Along Came a Spider, High Crimes.
    11. Robert Duvall: The Godfather, The Apostle, Apocalypse Now, Tender Mercies, The Great Santini, A Civil Action, Get Low, To Kill a Mockingbird, MASH, The Natural.
    12. Dustin Hoffman: Rain Man, Midnight Cowboy, The Graduate, Kramer vs. Kramer, Tootsie.
    13. Denzel Washington: Malcolm X, Training Day, Glory, American Gangster, Inside Man, Remember The Titans, Courage Under Fire, Philadelphia, The Hurricane, Crimson Tide, The Bone Collector, The Manchurian Candidate, The Siege, Antwone Fisher, He Got Game.
    14. Ben Kingsley: Gandhi, Schindler's List, House of Sand and Fog, Sexy Beast, Shutter Island.
    15. Leonardo DiCaprio: Blood Diamond, The Departed, The Basketball Diaries, Shutter Island, Inception, Gangs of New York, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, The Aviator, Catch Me If You Can, Titanic, Revolutionary Road, The Man in the Iron Mask.
    16. Geoffrey Rush: Shine, The King's Speech, Quills, Pirates of the Caribbean.
    17. Martin Sheen: Apocalypse Now, The Departed, Badlands, The American President, Wall Street.
    18. Kevin Spacey: Se7en, The Usual Suspects, American Beauty, LA Confidential, The Negotiator, A Time to Kill, Glengarry Glen Ross, Outbreak, Superman Returns, The United States of Leland.
    19. Russell Crowe: LA Confidential, Gladiator, The Insider, Cinderella Man, A Beautiful Mind, Romper Stomper, 3:10 to Yuma, American Gangster, Master and Commander, Blood Oath.
    20. Ed Harris: Pollock, Apollo 13, The Truman Show, A Beautiful Mind, The Hours, Gone Baby Gone, A History of Violence, Empire Falls, The Rock, Glengarry Glen Ross, The Abyss.
    21. Willem Defoe: Platoon, The Last Temptation of Christ, Boondock Saints, Shadow of the Vampire, To Live and Die in L.A.
    22. Ralph Fiennes: Schindler's List, Harry Potter Franchise, The English Patient, The Constant Gardener, Bernard and Doris.
    23. Jon Voight: Coming Home, Midnight Cowboy, Deliverance, Runaway Train, Ali.
    24. Gene Hackman: The French Connection, Unforgiven, Mississippi Burning, Superman, The Royal Tenenbaums.
    25. Harrison Ford: Star Wars, Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Fugitive, Bladerunner, Witness.
    26. Warren Beatty: Bonnie and Clyde, Heaven Can Wait, Reds, Bugsy, Bulworth.
    27. Richard Dreyfus: Jaws, American Graffiti, The Goodbye Girl, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Mr. Holland's Opus.
    28. Matt Damon: The Departed, Good Will Hunting, Saving Private Ryan, Rounders, The Bourne Identity, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Ocean's 11, Syriana, School Ties, Dogma.
    29. Brad Pitt: Se7en, Fight Club, The Asassination of Jessie James, Twelve Monkeys, Moneyball, The Tree of Life, Sleepers, Ocean's Eleven, Babel, Inglourious Bastards, Snatch, True Romance, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Legends of the Fall, Interview with the Vampire.
    30. Christian Bale: The Machinist, The Prestige, The Fighter, The Dark Knight, American Psycho, Batman Begins, 3:10 to Yuma, Empire of the Sun, Rescue Dawn, I'm Not There.
    31. Ian McKellan: Gods and Monsters, The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Richard III, X-Men, Apt Pupil.
    32. Johnny Depp: Edward Scissorhands, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, Blow, Finding Neverland, Donnie Brasco, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Platoon, Sleepy Hollow, Ed Wood.
    33. Edward Norton: Fight Club, American History X, Rounders, The Illusionist, 25th Hour, Primal Fear, Keeping the Faith, The Italian Job, Red Dragon, The People vs. Larry Flynt.
    34. Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Capote, Magnolia, Doubt, Almost Famous, Boogie Nights, The Big Lebowski, Charlie Wilson's War, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Flawless, Punch-Drunk Love.
    35. Liam Neeson: Schindler's List, Kinsey, Batman Begins, Taken, Michael Collins.
    36. Tom Cruise: Rain Man, Magnolia, A Few Good Men, Born on the Fourth of July, Minority Report, Risky Business, The Color of Money, Jerry Maguire, The Last Samurai, The Firm, Mission Impossible, Tropic Thunder, Top Gun, Vanilla Sky, Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicle.
    37. Jeff Bridges: The Big Lebowski, Crazy Heart, True Grit, Starman, The Fabulous Baker Boys.
    38. Christopher Walken: The Deer Hunter, Catch Me If You Can, A View to Kill, The Dead Zone, At Close Range.
    39. Benicio Del Toro: The Usual Suspects, Traffic, 21 Grams, Che, Sin City, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Snatch, Guerrilla, The Argentine, The Pledge, The Way of the Gun.
    40. Tommy Lee Jones: The Fugitive, JFK, No Country For Old Men, In the Valley of Elah, Men in Black.
    41. Gary Oldman: JFK, The Dark Knight, Leon, Harry Potter, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.
    42. Javier Bardem: No Country For Old Men, Biutiful, Before Night Falls, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Mondays in the Sun.
    43. Harvey Keitel: Mean Streets, Bugsy, Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, Taxi Driver.
    44. Mel Gibson: Braveheart, The Patriot, Lethal Weapon, Ransom, Mad Max.
    45. Will Smith: The Pursuit Of Happiness, Ali, Six Degrees of Separation.
    46. Robin Williams: Goodwill Hunting, Good Morning Vietnam, One Hour Photo, Dead Poets Society, Mrs. Doubtfire.
    47. Don Cheadle: Hotel Rwanda, Traffic, Crash, Devil in a Blue Dress, Ocean's Eleven.
    48. Samuel L. Jackson: Pulp Fiction, A Time to Kill, Jackie Brown, The Negotiator, Against the Wall.
    49. Billy Bob Thorton: Monster's Ball, Sling Blade, A Simple Plan, The Man Who Wasn't There, Friday Night Lights.
    50. Paul Giamatti: Sideways, Cinderella Man, American Splendor, The Illusionist, Cold Souls.
    51. Joaquin Pheonix: Gladiator, Walk the Line, Quills, The Yards, Ladder 49.
    52. Kevin Costner: Dances with Wolves, Field of Dreams, JFK, The Untouchables, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.
    53. Michael Douglas: Wall Street, Traffic, Wonder Boys, The American President, Basic Instinct.
    54. John Hurt: The Elephant Man, Nineteen Eighty-Four, Alien, Scandal, The Hit.
    55. Bruce Willis: The Sixth Sense, Die Hard, Pulp Fiction, 12 Monkeys, Sin City.
    56. Kevin Bacon: Animal House, The Woodsman, Sleepers, Apollo 13, Mystic River.
    57. Robert Downey Jr.: Chaplin, Tropic Thunder, Less than Zero, Iron Man, Sherlock Holmes.
    58. George Clooney: O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Good Night, and Good Luck, Syriana, Michael Clayton, Up in the Air.
    59. James Woods: Salvador, Once Upon a Time in America, Ghosts of Mississippi, Casino, Contact.
    60. Bill Murray: Lost in Translation, Groundhog Day, Caddyshack, Rushmore, Ghostbusters.
    61. Josh Brolin: No Country for Old Men, W., Milk, True Grit, Goonies.
    62. Tim Robbins: The Shawshank Redemption, Mystic River, The Player.
    63. Jim Carrey: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Man on the Moon, The Truman Show.
    64. Forest Whitaker: Last King of Scotland, Good Morning, Vietnam, Bird, Panic Room, American Gun.
    65. John Travolta: Pulp Fiction, Saturday Night Fever, Grease, Primary Colors, A Civil Action.
    66. Donald Sutherland: MASH, The Dirty Dozen, JFK.
    67. John Malkovich: Places in the Heart, The Killing Fields, In the Line of Fire, Of Mice and Men, Being John Malkovich.
    68. Colin Firth: The King's Speech, A Single Man, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.
    69. Mickey Rourke: The Wrestler, Sin City, Diner, Barfly, Angel Heart.
    70. Viggo Mortenson: Lord of the Rings, A History of Violence, The Road, Eastern Promises.
    71. Steve Buschemi: Fargo, Living in Oblivion, Ghost World, The Big Lebowski, Reservoir Dogs.
    72. Jamie Foxx: Ray, Collateral, Any Given Sunday.
    73. Joe Pesci: Goodfellas, Raging Bull, My Cousin Vinny, Casino, Lethal Weapon, Home Alone.
    74. Gary Sinise: Forrest Gump, Of Mice and Men, Ransom.
    75. Laurence Fishbourne: The Matrix, Apocalypse Now, What's Love Got to Do with It.
    76. Nick Nolte: Affliction, The Thin Red Line, The Prince of Tides, Cape Fear.
    77. Nicholas Cage: Leaving Las Vegas, Adaptation, The Rock, Face/Off.
    78. James Franco: Pineapple Express, Milk, 127 Hours, Spiderman, Rise of the Planet of the Apes.
    79. William H. Macy: Fargo, Seabiscuit, Boogie Nights.
    80. Mark Wahlberg: Boogie Nights, The Departed, The Fighter, Three Kings, Fear.
    81. John Turturro: Barton Fink, O Brother Where Art Thou?, Quiz Show, The Big Lebowski, Miller's Crossing.
    82. Daniel Craig: Casino Royale, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Road to Perdition, Defiance, Munich.
    83. Chris Cooper: American Beauty, The Bourne Identity, Capote.
    84. Christoph Waltz: Inglourious Bastards
    85. Casey Affleck: Gone Baby Gone, The Assassination of Jesse James, Good Will Hunting, Ocean's Eleven, Chasing Amy.
    86. Mark Ruffalo: The Kids Are All Right, Shutter Island, You Can Count on Me.
    87. William Hurt: Kiss of the Spider Woman, Children of a Lesser God, Broadcast News.
    88. Adrien Brody: The Pianist, King Kong, The Jacket.
    89. Ryan Gosling: Half-Nelson, Lars and the Real Girl, Blue Valentine, Drive, The Ides of March.
    90. Jude Law: Road to Perdition, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Cold Mountain.
    91. Guy Pierce: Memento, LA Confidential, The King's Men.
    92. Colin Farrell: In Bruges, Minority Report, Phone Booth.
    93. Tom Wilkinson: Michael Clayton, In the Bedroom, The Full Monty.
    94. Jeremy Renner: The Hurt Locker, The Town, Dahmer.
    95. Elijah Wood: Lord of the Rings, Sin City, North, The Good Son.
    96. Woody Harrelson: White Men Can't Jump, The People vs Larry Flynt, The Messenger, Natural Born Killers, Kingpin.
    97. Clive Owen: Children of Men, Closer, Inside Man.
    98. Jake Gyllenhaal: Brokeback Mountain, Donnie Darko, Zodiac.
    99. Andy Serkis: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Longford, Rise of the Planet of the Apes
    100. Ewan McGregor: Trainspotting, Moulin Rouge!, Star Wars Prequels.