When The Going Gets Tough, So Does Kobe Bryant

Written by Josh Katz Monday, 08 March 2010 20:16

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Hey Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes. Last week I hailed Kobe Bryant, right here at the Dose as being immortal in big moments. Kobe has hit his fair share of buzzer beaters and has made a career of carving up defenses like a holiday ham. The dude has a near handful of NBA titles, has tasted MVP honors and has been killing it in LaLa land since he arrived back in the 90’s. But Kobe also exemplifies what it means to act like a Private School girl when things don’t exactly go his way. He is like the 17-year-old girl who gets a Mercedes Benz as her first car, but throws a temper tantrum because of the leather interior getting too hot in the summer. Based on his accomplishments, it’s hard to pretend like I wouldn’t want young Kobe on my team. Honestly, I’d trade my entire squad for Kobe. But go ahead and try to find me a more unlikeable, self-centered, me-first guy who has the league by the balls. Here, let me show you why Kobe is about as cool as Hitler, broken down into three separate ego’s.

Kobe, The Face
Kobe has perfected the “trade me if we lose” face in Purple and Gold. It feels like every time the Lakers lose, Kobe gets on his iPhone and calls his agent to see what the NBA trade market is like. Never mind the fiasco that he pulled several years ago asking out of Los Angeles on a radio show, pretending like he didn’t say it and then getting booed on his home floor for it. That shit never happened to Jeter. The City of Angels has embraced Kobe and treated him like he has the cure for AIDS, and Kobe re-pays the people of the Staples Center by trying to bounce like a super ball. Thanks Kobe. Oh and the look doesn’t stop there. God forbid a Lakers teammate misses a free throw, turns the ball over or commits a foul. I am 98% sure Kobe has a voodoo doll for everyone on the Lakers. Play perfect or else, Luke Walton.

Kobe, The Alienator
Phil Jackson? Check. Shaq? Check. Andrew Bynum? Almost. I didn’t know that Kobe was a GM!? Everyone can agree that Kobe forced Shaq-Fu out of town, as if Shaq’s Hall-of-Fame ways weren’t the reason the Lakers won the way they did. Phil Jackson hated Kobe for a bit, so he cleared out so he could meditate and come back and win again. Kobe tried hard to ship Andrew Bynum out of town, but the Lakers brass put their foot down to prevent Kobe the GM from trading away an 18-year-old Phenom who hasn’t even began to peak yet. At least we know what Kobe won’t be doing after he leaves Basketball behind.

Kobe, The Sexual Deviant
Ah yes, the Denver debacle. What a family man. Everyone seems to forget that Kobe at the very minimum cheated on his wife and got himself wrapped up in a Sex Crime mid-season. Now who knows whether or not Kobe raped that poor girl, but Kobe became a leading member of the Tiger Woods/Steve Phillips/Roger Clemens/Barry Bonds “Athletes who Cheat” club at such a young age. Golly, I am impressed. Stay Classy, number 24. Kobe still hears it every time he touches the ball at the Pepsi Center, and probably will until his career ends. You don’t see Melo pulling that shit.

Now I know I am being harsh. Kobe is a lights out performer who has more than a fair chance to retire a top-five player. He is in my top five of players I’ve seen, hands down. But Kobe becomes more unlikeable with every dribble. With every sour look he gives his teammates. With his growing arrogant sense of entitlement. With every voodoo doll he creates. So count your rings Kobe, but remember that you never gave Shaq an answer of how his ass tastes.