My Faux Trip To The Major League Winter Meetings
Written by Josh Katz Tuesday, 14 December 2010 13:28
As we enter the dog days of the professional football regular season, and begin to turn the corner on the NBA and NHL seasons, what better time than to take an all expenses fake trip to the Major League Baseball winter meetings!? Where overspending and over-indulging reign supreme with daily reminders that if you play baseball in Pittsburgh, Kansas City or Oakland, you will never play competitive baseball in your life. With that said, I packed up my favorite fanny pack, colored visor and Mickey Mouse t-shirt and headed down to Orlando, Florida to observe the MLB hot stove first-hand, courtesy of Definitive Dose. What a short strange trip it’s been.The Major Splashes:
Washington Nationals:
-Jayson Werth GOT PAID. 7 years, eleventy billion dollars. While most people find this deal to absurd, outrageous and unnecessary, I applaud the Nats for finally making some noise in the NL East. Werth was a staple in the middle of a Phillies lineup that has owned the National League, including 2 World Series trips (1 win, 1 loss) and three straight division crowns. I bumped into Werth in the elevator after he signed his deal. He let off the type of vibe that Dave Chappelle had when he found out he got Oprah pregnant. He is currently taking karate lessons from Bruce Lee’s brother for $7,000 an hour.
Boston Red Sox:
-Carl Crawford, 7 years, $142 million. Not bad for a guy who has never won a title, never hit more than 20 home runs in a season, and has spent his entire career in the homeless shelter they call Tropicana Field. Never mind all that, Boston got themselves a left-fielder who can swipe bags and rip triples like it’s nobody’s business for the remainder of his career. This whole Crawford saga was like a Flavor Flav reality show. He flirted with the Angels and had a date with the Yankees, but ultimately fell in love with a seventh year and Theo Epstein’s wallet. Crawford left Orlando with a huge golden clock dangling from his neck.
-Adrian Gonzalez, acquired in a trade for some no-names and a sack of baseballs. Yo, Adrian! The Red Sox lineup is officially stacked from top to bottom, which makes them the immediate favorite in the AL East. After missing out on Mark Teixeira two years ago and suffering through a disappointing 2009 season riddled with injuries, the Sox landed their franchise first-baseman without giving up very much. Gonzalez will make a large impact with his glove and bat. Now, all they need to do is sign the man.
Skipping Rocks:
-Carlos Pena, 1 year, $10 million. Pena is coming off a bad season in Tampa Bay, but could rediscover himself in Chicago. Also, there is no pressure to win whatsoever on the North Side, these losers expect the worse and usually get it.
-J.J Hardy to the Orioles gives the Birds a solid player. He doesn’t cost a lot, and is a perfect compliment to a team that has been re-building since the 1996 playoffs.
-Miguel Olivo, 2 years, $7 million. Seattle also signed Jack Cust for a year at $2.5 million. I picked Seattle to do some nice things last year, but they fell apart like the Jets in New England. This is a decent start, I guess.
-Melky Cabrera got a 1-year deal from the Royals. It is my belief that Melky is slowly making his way north again to reunite with the Yankees. Until then, he will enjoy hitting .211 in the armpit of the American League.
-Russell Martin also got a 12-month deal from the Yankees, who are still licking their wounds from the Lee debacle.
The Big Fish:
-I caught Cliff Lee soaking in the Hotel Jacuzzi drinking a Busch Light in a camouflage couzy, and got a few words with him about his free agency. His Arkansas accent was tough to decipher, but from what I gathered, he wants money, and a lot of it. The Yankees are the favorite to land the lefty ace as we have known for a while, but something about Nolan Ryan and Texas and being clo
se to home and blah blah blah I still haven’t won a World Series may end up drawing him back to Arlington. He pretty much told me he doesn’t want to play for the Angels because of all the liberals in LA. Lee is also in the Super-Best-Friends club with C.C. Sabathia, which enhances his chances of pitching in the Bronx. **UPDATE**
-As I watched the New York Football Giants smash the Vikings in Detroit last night, my blackberry began to shake like the MetroDome roof. My credible sources, other known as ESPN.com, reported that Cliff Lee would sign 5 year deal worth about $120 million, with a vested player option for a sixth year with Philadelphia Phillies. I texted Yankees GM Brian Cashman to get a response, and he told me he has locked himself in the bathroom and won’t come out until Felix Hernandez is the final year of his contract. Nolan Ryan doesn’t believe in cellular technology, but I am sure he is equally as stunned and dismayed.
-Zach Greinke is available because he plays for the Royals. Greinke is a phenomenal young talent, but is rumored to be a bit of a head case. This has larger market teams afraid to deal value prospects in order to get him because he could implode like Rick Ankiel. However, if the Yankees whiff on Lee, do not be surprised if they deal for Greinke even if it is out of desperation.
Odds & Ends
-The Mets couldn’t afford a hotel room, so they slept in the cars as they worked hard to woo minor leaguers. Luis Castillo and Oliver Perez shared the Presidential suite.
-Yankees GM Brian Cashman slept for six combined hours. He does however carry three separate wallets around with him, just in case.
-Phillies Manager Charlie Manuel does not speak English. It’s more of a gobbley-gook infused with some southern baseball knowledge.
-As I boarded the plane back to New York, I realized that baseball is a joke. I mean these players are so overpaid it’s a disgrace to anyone who has ever worked for anything, and this coming from a Yankee fan. Oh, and I better not hear another word about the Yankees payroll, considering the Red Sox are about to spend $300 million on two players. Let’s just come to the understanding that if you want to compete, you need to spend. Even the World Champion San Francisco Giants have a payroll of $90 million.
