Thursday Apr 27
Written by Ben Pogany
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As the days get shorter, the air gets colder, and the leaves start to change, its hard not to long for the dearly departed days of summer.  That is, unless you happen to be a sports fan.  It just doesn't get any better than October, where scarcely a night goes by without some truly must-see tv filling out the prime-time lineup.  And no, I'm not talking about Hawaii Five-O.  Daily playoff baseball, weekends saturated in football, fresh hope on both ice and hardwood.  Gotta love it.  Here's how the rest of the year stacks up.
  1. October- Playoff baseball, NFL in full swing, NBA begins, NHL begins, college football in full swing.
  2. April- Final Four, opening day for MLB, The Masters, crunch time for NBA, NBA and NHL playoffs begin.
  3. November- World Series, NBA and NHL get going, NFL in full swing, college football in full swing, college basketball begins, World Series of Poker finals.
  4. June- NBA and NHL Finals, US Open (golf), French Open finals (tennis), Wimbledon begins, MLB in full swing, MLB all-star game, Belmont Stakes, Main Event (poker).
  5. January -NFL playoffs, college football national championship and the top bowl games, Australian Open, college basketball in full swing.
  6. September- MLB crunch time, NFL begins, US Open finals (Tennis), college football begins.
  7. March- March Madness, NBA and NHL in full swing.
  8. December- NFL crunch time, college football bowls begin, NBA, NHL, and college basketball in full swing.
  9. May- NBA and NHL playoffs, MLB in full swing, French Open begins (tennis), Kentucky Derby, Preakness.
  10. February- Super Bowl, college basketball crunch time, Daytona 500.
  11. July- MLB in full swing, Wimbledon finals, British Open (golf).
  12. August- MLB in full swing, PGA Championship, US Open begins (tennis).
Written by Ben Pogany

16 seasons after Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny first entered our living rooms, South Park continues to be one of the most brilliant, provocative, and downright hilarious shows on TV.  After sifting through 230 episodes, here are Definitive Dose's picks for the 30 most awesomely hilarious moments thus far.

  1. $3.50--Watch Clip
  2. Dey Tuk er Jobs! --   Watch Clip
  3. Stupid Mongorians! -- Watch Clip
  4. Scott Tennerman Eats Cartman's Chili con Carne --   Watch Clip
  5. "People Who Annoy You" -- Watch Clip
  6. Kyle's Mom's A Bitch--Watch Clip
  7. Trapped in the Closet --   Watch Clip
  8. Tacos and Burritos --   Watch Clip
  9. A Lonely Jew On Christmas-- Watch Clip
  10. Lemiwinks --   Watch Clip
  11. Kanye is a Gay Fish, Yo-- Watch Clip
  12. "Whateva, I Do What I Want!"-- Watch Clip
  13. Mr. Jefferson's Slumber Party -- Watch Clip
  14. "Towelie, You're The Worst Character Ever" --   Watch Clip
  15. Chocolate Salty Balls -- Watch Clip
  16. Cartman's Dry Balls Dream -- Watch Clip
  17. Montage! -- Watch Clip
  18. Cartman Takes The Passion Too Far-  Watch Clip
  19. Professor Chaos Goes Anime-  Watch Clip
  20. Randy Chases The Dragon -- Watch Clip
  21. "They Put A Little Suit On Him!"--Watch Clip
  22. "Stick Your Finger In My Thresher"- Watch Clip
  23. Cripple Fight!! --   Watch Clip
  24. Cartmen Sings Poker Face- Watch Clip
  25. World of Warcraft- Watch Clip
  26. "No Kitty This Is My Pot Pie!"-  Watch Clip
  27. Jew Gold- Watch Clip
  28. Chef Returns- Watch Clip
  29. Butt Faces -- Watch Clip
  30. Douche and a Turd Sandwich-- Watch Clip

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Written by Ben Pogany
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They say that the Heisman trophy is awarded not to who will make the best NFL player, but to who was the most outstanding college player of the previous year.  For every Barry Sanders and Marcus Allen that goes on to tremendous professional success, there is a Eric Crouch or Jason White that barely lasts an NFL snap. Here's a look at the 10 Heisman winners who had the greatest success in the NFL.

  1. Barry Sanders (1988)         Oklahoma St           (RB)     Jr.
  2. Roger Staubach (1963)      Navy                     (QB)     Jr.
  3. Marcus Allen (1981)           USC                      (RB)     Sr.
  4. Tony Dorsett (1976)           Pittsburgh              (RB)     Sr.
  5. O.J. Simpson (1968)          USC                       (RB)     Jr.
  6. Earl Campbell (1977)         Texas                    (RB)     Sr.
  7. Tim Brown (1987)              Notre Dame            (WR)    Sr.
  8. Paul Hornung (1956)         Notre Dame            (QB)     Sr.
  9. Billy Sims (1978)               Oklahoma               (RB)     Jr.
  10. Eddie George (1995)          Ohio St                  (RB)     Sr.

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Written by Ben Pogany
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For all the complaints about the one-and-done epidemic in college hoops, the none-and done nature of baseball seems almost barely worth mentioning.  In 2009, the Wall Street Journal found that there were only 26 college graduates among the 780 players and managers in Major League Baseball, good for a whooping 3.3% of the league.  It's practically the rule that ballplayers expect to get drafted out of high school, heading straight to minor league rosters at the ripe age of eighteen.  Then there's the roughly quarters-worth that are discovered as youngsters on the ball fields of the Dominican Republic, Venezuela, Mexico, and a host of other predominately low-income nations for whom higher education is often simply out of reach.  (The percentage of foreign-born minor leaguers is closer to half)  And this is nothing new; neither Ted Williams, Hank Aaron, Cal Ripken Jr, or Greg Maddux ever so much as glimpsed the inside of a college classroom.  For what we think of as such a cerebral sport, the shear absence of academia is hard to comprehend.
College baseball will never achieve the notoriety of its counterparts in large part because there are just so few stars to be found.  Still, there are those few scholars among the masses for whom higher education was a reality, fewer still who have made it to Omaha.  He is a look at the ten most successful college baseball programs and the talent they bequeathed to the Bigs.

1)  USC
12 World Series titles and 21 appearances
Illustrious alumni: Tom Seaver, Randy Johnson, Fred Lynn, Mark McGwire, Barry Zito, Mark Prior, Ian Kennedy, Jeff Cirillo
2)  Texas
6 World Series titles and 34 appearances
Illustrious alumni:
Roger Clemens, Drew Stubbs, Huston Street, Burt Hooten, Greg Swindell, Shane Reynolds
3)  LSU
6 World Series titles and 15 appearances
Illustrious alumni:
Albert Belle, Brad Hawpe, Ben McDonald, Brian Wilson, Aaron Hill
4)  Arizona St
5 World Series titles and 22 appearances
Illustrious alumni:
Barry Bonds, Reggie Jackson, Dustin Pedroia, Andre Ethier, Sal Bando, Rick Monday, Jason Kipnis, Mike Leake
5)  Miami
4 World Series titles and 23 appearances
Illustrious alumni:
Ryan Braun, Greg Vaughn, Pat Burrell, Charles Johnson, Aubrey Huff, Chris Perez
6)  Cal St Fullerton
4 World Series titles and 16 appearances
Illustrious alumni:
Tim Wallach, Aaron Rowand, Mark Kotsay, Phil Nevin, Kurt Suzuki, Ricky Romero
7)  Arizona
4 World Series titles and 16 appearances
Illustrious alumni:
Kenny Lofton, Trevor Hoffman, Scott Erickson, JT Snow, Ron Hassey
8)  Minnesota
3 World Series titles and 5 appearances
Illustrious alumni:
Dave Winfield, Paul Molitor, Terry Steinbach, Denny Neagle, Dan Wilson
9)  Stanford
2 World Series titles and 16 appearances
Illustrious alumni:
Mike Mussina, Jack McDowell, Bob Boone, Rick Helling, Jeremy Guthrie, Carlos Quentin, Jed Lowrie, Drew Storen, Sam Fuld
10)  South Carolina
2 World Series titles and 11 appearances
Illustrious alumni:
Brian Roberts, Mookie Wilson, Roberto Hernandez, Gene Richards, Dave Hollins
Last Updated (Friday, 11 October 2013 12:46) Written by Ben Pogany

Chicks just don’t seem to dig the long ball like they used to. How else to explain the seeming disregard for Jim Thome's entrance into the all-exclusive 600 home run club. And can we really be blamed? The fact is, we did care, we really really cared, and we were all dooped. Taken for a ride by the elusive hand of performance enhancers. If these milestones are to be at all restored, America needs a masher to believe in again.  Though Thome has never actually be caught, having come up through the steroid era is hard to get past. We need a hitter for the new generation, someone to take some of the tarnish off of the four-bagger and resurrect what was once our most beloved sports achievement. Truth is, we may never have another truly suspicion-free ballplayer to hit 600, or even 500 for that matter. But if you’re, like me, grasping at someone to believe in, these nine might not be such terrible options to get behind.

  1. Albert Pujols (Age 33) 492 home runs to date
  2. Miguel Cabrera (Age 30) 365 home runs to date
  3. Prince Fielder (Age 29) 285 home runs to date
  4. Adam Dunn (Age 33) 440 home runs to date
  5. Mark Teixeira (Age 33) 341 home runs to date
  6. Paul Konerko (Age 37) 434 home runs to date
  7. Adrian Beltre (Age 34) 376 home runs to date
  8. Adrian Gonzalez (Age 31) 235 home runs to date
  9. Mike Trout (Age 22) 62 home runs to date

 

Written by Ben Pogany
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People tend to look at rock stars as larger than life and cooler than cool.  Truth is, a lot of em are just as dorky as you or me. (Well not me of course, but you get the idea.)  Sometimes you just gotta fake it if you wanna make it in this world, and for this crew, that was probably the right decision.  They say its all in the name. While a great name alone won't make you a star, an awful one could be the dealbreaker. Would we have been able to tolerate a fire-breathing, blood-spitting madman named Chaim?  Could we possibly have put up with Xzibit's gangsta swagger if we knew he was really Alvin Joiner IV?  Would we think Vanilla Ice was as cool as we do if he went by his real name, Robert Van Winkle?  Um, nevermind.  Anyways, its time to pull away the curtain and reveal some of the most shocking, embarressing, and downright absurd birth names in the world of music.


Gene Simmons- Chaim Klein Witz....Jewish much?
George Michael-Yorgos Panayiotou....Yorgos? Really?
Elton John- Reginald Kenneth Dwight
Ginuwine- Elgin Lumpkin....sounds like a black hobbit
Elvis Costello- Declan Patrick McManus
Xzibit- Alvin Nathaniel Joiner IV....Alvin IV? How ungangster is that?
Akon- Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam...no joke
Yanni- Yiannis Chrysomallis
Michael Bolton- Michael Bolotin.....Probably for the best.  Bolotin kinda sounds like a daily laxative.
Manfred Mann- Manfred Lubowitz
Iggy Pop- James Newell Osterberg, Jr.
John Denver- Henry John Deutschendorf.  We've all heard "With a name like Smuckers, its gotta be good."  Well, with a name like Duetschendorf, its gotta be, well, have you ever actually listened to John Denver?
Bob Dylan- Robert Alan Zimmerman
Trey Anastasio- Ernest Guiseppe Anastasio III
Stevie Wonder- Steveland Hardaway Judkins
Yngwie Malmsteen- Lars Johann Yngwie Lannerback....what an improvement.
Flea- Michael Peter Balzary
Freddie Mercury- Farrokh Bulsara
T-Pain- Faheem Najm...something tells me this name wouldn't have gone over to well with mainstream America.  At least not like the ingenious T-Pain
Snoop Dogg- Cordazer Calvin Broadus Jr.
Lil' Bow Wow- Shad Anthony Moss
Alice Cooper- Vincent Damon Furnier
Vanilla Ice- Robert Van Winkle.....I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried
Lou Reed
- Louis Firbank
David Bowie- David Robert Hayward Stenton Jones
Eddie Vedder- Edward Louis Severson III
Kenny G.- Kenneth Gorelick
Peter Tosh- Winston Hubert Macintosh.....How many potheads do you know named Winston Macintosh?
M.I.A.- Mathangi Arulpragasam
Cher- Cherilyn Sarkisian
Redman- Reginald Noble
Master P- Percy Miller
Shaggy- Orville Richard Burrell....Always thought he looked like an Orville
Silkk the Shocker- Vyshonn King Miller
Bono- Paul David Hewson
The Edge- David Howell Evans
Sting- Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner
Les Paul- Lester Polfus
M.C. Hammer- Stanley Kirk Burrel
Alice Cooper- Vincent Damon Furnier
Bon Scott (AC/DC)- Ronald Belford Scott
Marilyn Manson- Brian Hugh Warner
Axl Rose- William Bruce Bailey
Slash- Saul Hudson
Robbie Robertson (The Band)- Jaime Royal Klegerman
Perry Farrell (Jane's Addiction)- Perry Bernstein
Mama Cass- Ellen Naomi Cohen
Ozzy Osbourne- John Michael Osbourne...What a nice Christian name.  How'd that work out for ya?
Joey Ramone- Jeffrey Ross Hyman
Q-Tip- Kamaal Ibn John Fareed
Nas- Nasir bin Olu Dara Jones
Common- Lonnie Rashid Lynn, Jr.
Ice Cube- O'Shea Jackson
Big Daddy Kane- Antonio Mortimer Hardy
Kool Moe Dee- Mohandas Dewese
Lupe Fiasco- Wasalu Muhammad Jaco
Coolio- Artis Leon Ivey, Jr.
The Game- Jayceon Terrell Taylor...Dude, there is no y or c or e in Jason.
Nelly- Carnell Haynes, Jr.
Sly Stone- Sylvester Stewart
BB King- Riley B. King
Billie Holliday- Eleanora Fagan Gough
Tina Turner- Anna Mae Bullock
Meat Loaf- Marvin Lee Aday
Bo Diddley- Ellas Otha Bates
Fats Domino- Antoine Dominique Domino
Sonny Rollins- Theodore Walter Rollins
Sid Vicious- John Simon Ritchie
Johnny Rotten- John Joseph Lydon
Joe Strummer (The Clash)- John Graham Mellor
Afrika Bambaataa- Kevin Donovan
Pat Benatar- Patricia Andrejewski
Dean Martin- Dino Paul Crocetti
Bjork- Bjork Gudmundsdottir
Jon Bon Jovi- John Francis Bongiovi Jr.
Mos Def- Dante Terrell Smith
Grandmaster Flash- Joseph Saddler
Barry Manilow- Barry Alan Pincus
Hannah Montana- Destiny Hope Cyrus...People who name their kids Destiny Hope suck at life.  I'm lookin at you Billie Ray...
Gram Parsons (Byrds)- Cecil Ingram Connor, III
Cat Stevens- Steven Demetre Georgiou (Now Yusuf Islam)

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Written by Ben Pogany
  1. James Bond --24 films by 6 Bonds with no end in sight.
  2. Star Wars
  3. Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit
  4. The Godfather
  5. Batman
  6. Indiana Jones
  7. Rocky--The series that taught roman numerals to a generation.
  8. Toy Story
  9. Terminator
  10. Harry Potter -- Highest grossing film series of all time at $7.5 billion.
  11. The Clint Eastwood Dollars Trilogy--The third installment of "The Man With No Name," The Good, the Bad and the Ugly might be the greatest western ever made.
  12. Spiderman
  13. Die Hard
  14. The Fast and the Furious
  15. The Bourne Franchise
  16. Jack Ryan
  17. Matrix
  18. Superman
  19. X-Men
  20. Star Trek--The JJ Abrams installment (11th overall) was a huge success, and 2 more are in the works.
  21. Alien
  22. Back to the Future
  23. Hannibal Lector
  24. Shrek--The highest grossing animated film series ever at nearly $3 billion.
  25. The Avengers
  26. Mission: Impossible
  27. Pirates of the Caribbean--One decent movie and three stinkers.  Still, you can't argue with $3.7 billion grossed.
  28. Dirty Harry
  29. Naked Gun--OJ's second greatest acting job.
  30. National Lampoons Vacation
  31. Austin Powers
  32. Lethal Weapon
  33. Friday the 13th-- 12 films and counting...
  34. Beverly Hills Cop
  35. Jurassic Park
  36. Nightmare on Elm St
  37. Halloween-- 10 films and counting...
  38. Ocean's Trilogy--The modern day rat-pack earned over a billion on this trio.
  39. Scream
  40. Saw
  41. Ice Age
  42. Jaws
  43. Mad Max
  44. Karate Kid
  45. Major League--Would be much higher if not for the putrid Back to the Minors installment.
  46. Rush Hour
  47. Cheech and Chong
  48. The Mummy
  49. Mighty Ducks
  50. Rambo

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Page 8 of 13

 

 

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