Friday May 26

Movie Quotes

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1) The Dude: Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not "Mr. Lebowski". You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

2) Walter Sobchak: You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me.

3) Walter Sobchak: I told that Kraut a fuckin' thousand times, I don't roll on shabbos!

4) Bunny Lebowski: I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars.

5) Walter Sobchak:
This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!

6) Walter Sobchak: Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and... up to... Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince.

7) Walter Sobchak:
Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

8) The Dude: That rug really tied the room together.

9) The Dude: Hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here!

10) Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny.

11) Jesus Quintana: Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click."
---The Dude: Jesus.
---Jesus Quintana: You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.

12) Maude Lebowski:
My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

13) Maude Lebowski: Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?
---The Dude: 'Scuse me?
---Maude Lebowski: Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?

14) The Stranger: The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.

15) The Stranger: Say, friend - you got any more of that good sarsaparilla?
 
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1) Luca Brasi: Don Corleone, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your home on the wedding day of your daughter. And may their first child be a masculine child.

2) Don Corleone: I'm gonna make him an offer he won't refuse.

3) Clemenza: Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.

4) Michael: Just lie here, Pop. I'll take care of you now. I'm with you now. I'm with you.

5) Michael: My father is no different than any powerful man, any man with power, like a president or senator.
----Kay Adams: Do you know how naive you sound, Michael? Presidents and senators don't have men killed.
----Michael: Oh. Who's being naive, Kay?

6) Don Corleone: You talk about vengeance. Is vengeance going to bring your son back to you or my boy to me?

7) Peter Clemenza: Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.

8) Michael: Fredo, you're my older brother, and I love you. But don't ever take sides with anyone against the Family again. Ever.

9) Michael: Barzini is dead. So is Phillip Tattaglia. Moe Greene. Stracci. Cuneo. Today I settled all family business so don't tell me that you're innocent. Admit what you did...Get him a drink. Don't be afraid, Carlo. Come on, you think I'd make my sister a widow? I'm Godfather to your son...Go ahead. Drink. Drink. No, you're out of the family business, that's your punishment. You're finished. I'm putting you on a plane to Vegas. Tom?...I want you to stay there, you understand?...Only don't tell me that you're innocent. Because it insults my intelligence and it makes me very angry. Now, who approached you first? Barzini or Tattaglia?

10) Michael Corleone: Don't ask me about my business!!
1) Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal... People know me... I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

2) Brick Tamland: I love lamp.

3) Ron Burgundy: And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

4) Ron Burgundy: I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

5) Ron Burgundy: I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.

6) Ron Burgundy: It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice!

7) Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time.

8) Ron Burgundy: I'm in a glass case of emotion!!

9) Veronica Corningstone:
Take me to Pleasure Town.

10) Ron Burgundy: You've got a dirty whorish mouth.

11) Ron Burgundy: What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing. How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay.

12) Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.

13) Brick Tamland: I ate a big, red candle.

14) Announcer: You're watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.

15) Bill Lawson:
There was a time, a time before cable. When the local anchorman reigned supreme. When people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man then the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.
1) Rick: Here's looking at you, kid.

2) Rick: Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

3) Captain Renault: Round up the usual suspects.

4) Ilsa: Play it once, Sam. For old times' sake.

5) Rick: Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine.

6) Captain Renault:
What in heaven's name brought you to Casablanca?
---Rick: My health. I came to Casablanca for the waters.
---Captain Renault: The waters? What waters? We're in the desert.
---Rick: I was misinformed.

7) Rick: We'll always have Paris

8) Rick: I stick my neck out for nobody!

9) Ilsa: Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time.

10) Major Strasser:
What is your nationality?
---Rick: I'm a drunkard.
---Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

11) Rick: Don't you sometimes wonder if it's worth all this? I mean what you're fighting for.
---Victor Laszlo: You might as well question why we breathe. If we stop breathing, we'll die. If we stop fighting our enemies, the world will die.
---Rick: Well, what of it? It'll be out of its misery.
---Victor Laszlo: You know how you sound, Mr. Blaine? Like a man who's trying to convince himself of something he doesn't believe in his heart.

12) Captain Renault:
Carl, see that Major Strasser gets a good table, one close to the ladies.
---Carl: I have already given him the best, knowing he is German and would take it anyway.

13) Captain Renault:
I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!
---Croupier: Your winnings, sir.
---Captain Renault: Oh, thank you very much....Everybody out at once!

14) Rick: And remember, this gun is pointed right at your heart.
---Captain Renault: That is my least vulnerable spot.

15) Senor Ferrari:
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca, and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
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1) Kilgore: I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

2) Kurtz: The horror... the horror...

3) Civilian: Terminate with extreme prejudice.

4) Willard: I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my wife, until I said "yes" to a divorce. When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the jungle. I'm here a week now... waiting for a mission... getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Charlie squats in the bush, he gets stronger. Each time I looked around the walls moved in a little tighter.

5) Kurtz: I've seen horrors... horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that... but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror... Horror has a face... and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies! I remember when I was with Special Forces... seems a thousand centuries ago. We went into a camp to inoculate some children. We left the camp after we had inoculated the children for polio, and this old man came running after us and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went back there, and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried, I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out; I didn't know what I wanted to do! And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it... I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought, my God... the genius of that! The genius! The will to do that! Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than we, because they could stand that these were not monsters, these were men... trained cadres. These men who fought with their hearts, who had families, who had children, who were filled with love... but they had the strength... the strength... to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men, our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral... and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling... without passion... without judgment... without judgment! Because it's judgment that defeats us.

6) Kilgore: Charlie don't surf!

7) Willard: Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service. It was a real choice mission, and when it was over, I never wanted another.

8) Willard: Shit... charging a man with murder in this place was like handing out speeding tickets in the Indy 500.

9) Willard: I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn't even know it yet. Weeks away and hundreds of miles up a river that snaked through the war like a main circuit cable plugged straight into Kurtz. It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of Colonel Walter E. Kurtz's memory any more than being back in Saigon was an accident. There is no way to tell his story without telling my own. And if his story really is a confession, then so is mine.

10) Willard: The bullshit piled up so fast in Vietnam, you needed wings to stay above it
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1) Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

2) Billy Madison:
Now you're all in big, BIG trouble.

3) Billy Madison: T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!

4) Billy Madison:
Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll.

5) O'Doyle: O'Doyle rules!

6) Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Carl?

7) Old Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.

8) Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean.
---Billy Madison: No, you don't.
---Bus Driver: Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her got it on. Wooo-eee!
---Billy Madison: No, they didn't.
---Bus Driver: No, no, no they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, right...?

9) Billy Madison: No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? this girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.

10) Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy joes. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.
---Billy Madison: Lady, you're scaring us.

11) Billy Madison: Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really....Stop looking at me, swan.

12) Billy Madison:
Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.

13) Billy Madison: I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!

14) Clown: Hey, kids, it's me. I bet you thought that I was dead. But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemorrhage in my head. HA HA HA.

15) Bus Driver: That is correct.....
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1) Vincent: And you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?
---Jules: They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with cheese?
---Vincent: No man, they got the metric system. They wouldn't know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is.
---Jules: Then what do they call it?
---Vincent: They call it a Royale with cheese.
---Jules: A Royale with cheese. What do they call a Big Mac?
---Vincent: Well, a Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call it le Big-Mac.
---Jules: Le Big-Mac. Ha ha ha ha. What do they call a Whopper?
---Vincent: I dunno, I didn't go into Burger King.

2) Marsellus: The night of the fight, you may feel a slight sting. That's pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps.

3) Jules:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... stop right there. Eatin' a bitch out, and givin' a bitch a foot massage ain't even the same fuckin' thing.
---Vincent: It's not. It's the same ballpark.
---Jules: Ain't no fuckin' ballpark neither. Now look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but, you know, touchin' his wife's feet, and stickin' your tongue in her Holiest of Holies, ain't the same fuckin' ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport. Look, foot massages don't mean shit.
---Vincent: Have you ever given a foot massage?
---Jules: Don't be tellin' me about foot massages. I'm the foot fuckin' master.
---Vincent: Given a lot of 'em?
---Jules: Shit yeah. I got my technique down and everything, I don't be ticklin' or nothin'.
---Vincent: Would you give a guy a foot massage?
---Jules: Fuck you.
---Vincent: You give them a lot?
---Jules: Fuck you.
---Vincent: You know, I'm getting kinda tired. I could use a foot massage myself.
---Jules: Yo, yo, yo, man, you best back off. I'm getting pissed here. This is the door.
---Vincent: There it is.
---Jules: What time you got?
---Vincent: 7:22 in the a.m.
---Jules: No, it's not time yet. Let's hang back. Look, just because I don't be givin' no man a foot massage don't make it right for Marsellus to throw Antwone into a glass motherfuckin' house, fuckin' up the way the nigger talks. Motherfucker do that shit to me, he better paralyze my ass, 'cause I'll kill the motherfucker, know what I'm sayin'?
---Vincent: I ain't saying it's right. But you're saying a foot massage don't mean nothing, and I'm saying it does. Now look, I've given a million ladies a million foot massages, and they all meant something. We act like they don't, but they do, and that's what's so fucking cool about them. There's a sensuous thing going on where you don't talk about it, but you know it, she knows it, fucking Marsellus knew it, and Antwone should have fucking better known better. I mean, that's his fucking wife, man. He can't be expected to have a sense of humor about that shit. You know what I'm saying?
---Jules: That's an interesting point. Come on, let's get into character.

4) Jules: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee.

5) Captain Koons: Hello, little man. Boy, I sure heard a bunch about you. See, I was a good friend of your dad's. We were in that Hanoi pit of hell together for over five years. Hopefully, you'll never have to experience this yourself, but when two men are in a situation like me and your dad were, for as long as we were, you take on certain responsibilities of the other. If it had been me who had not made it, Major Coolidge would be talking right now to my son Jim. But the way it turned out is I'm talking to you, Butch. I got something for ya...This watch I got here was first purchased by your great-grandfather during the first world war. It was bought in a little general store in Knoxville, Tennessee, made by the first company to ever make wrist watches. Up until then, people just carried pocket watches. It was bought by Private Doughboy Ryan Coolidge the day he set sail for Paris. This was your great-grandfather's war watch, and he wore it every day he was in the war. Then when he had done his duty, he went home to your great-grandmother, took the watch off and put it in an old coffee can. And in that can it stayed 'til your granddad Dane Coolidge was called upon by his country to go overseas and fight the Germans once again. This time they called it World War Two. Your great-grandfather gave this watch to your granddad for good luck. Unfortunately, Dane's luck wasn't as good as his old man's. Dane was a Marine and he was killed along with all the other Marines at the battle of Wake Island. Your granddad was facing death, and he knew it. None of those boys had any illusions about ever leaving that island alive. So three days before the Japanese took the island, your granddad asked a gunner on an Air Force transport named Winocki, a man he had never met before in his life, to deliver to his infant son, who he had never seen in the flesh, his gold watch. Three days later, your granddad was dead. But Winocki kept his word. After the war was over, he paid a visit to your grandmother, delivering to your infant father, his Dad's gold watch. This watch. This watch was on your Daddy's wrist when he was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured and put in a Vietnamese prison camp. He knew if the gooks ever saw the watch that it'd be confiscated; taken away. The way your Dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He'd be damned if any slopes were gonna put their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something. His ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. And then he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.

6) Jules:
Check out the big brain on Brett. You one smart motherfucker.

7) Zed:
Bring out the Gimp.

8) Marsellus: What now? Let me tell you what now. I'ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' niggers, who'll go to work on the homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'ma get medieval on your ass.

9) Butch:
Zed's dead baby. Zed's dead.

10) Jules: There's this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." I been saying that shit for years. And if you heard it, that meant your ass. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded shit to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this morning made me think twice. See, now I'm thinking, maybe it means you're the evil man, and I'm the righteous man, and Mr. 9 millimeter here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is, you're the weak, and I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm trying, Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd.
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1) Alonzo: King Kong ain't got shit on me!!

2) Alonzo: It's not what you know, it's what you can prove.

3) Alonzo: This shit's chess, it ain't checkers!

4) Alonzo: Today's a training day, Officer Hoyt. Show you around, give you a taste of the business. I got 38 cases pending trial, 63 in active investigations, another 250 on the log I can't clear. I supervise five officers. That's five different personalities. Five sets of problems. You can be number six if you act now. But I ain't holding no hands, okay? I ain't baby-sitting. You got today and today only to show me who and what you're made of. You don't like narcotics, get the fuck out of my car. Go get you a nice, pussy desk job, chasing bad checks or something, you hear me?

5) Alonzo: Myyy nigga

6) Alonzo: Didn't know you liked to get wet, dog.

7) Alonzo: To protect the sheep you gotta catch the wolf, and it takes a wolf to catch a wolf.

8) Hoyt: That's the second time you pointed a gun at me. There will NOT be a third!

9) Alonzo: You KNOW I'm surgical with this bitch.

10) Newscaster: A Los Angeles Police Department Narcotics officer was killed today serving a high-risk warrant near LAX. An LAPD spokesperson says that Detective Alonzo Harris is survived by his wife and four sons.
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1) Vinny Gambini: Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than anywhere else on the face of the earth?!!

2) Vinny Gambini: Uh... everything that guy just said is bullshit... Thank you.

3) Vinny Gambini: Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' fucked one way or the other...Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.
---Stan: Gee thanks.
---Vinny Gambini: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.
---Stan: You think I should be grateful?
---Vinny Gambini: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fuckin' knees.
---Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
---Vinny Gambini: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little fuck!
---Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got.
---Vinny Gambini: What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
---Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
---Vinny Gambini: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.

4) Vincent Gambini: Okay, you're helping. We'll use your pictures. Ah! These are gonna be - you know, I'm sorry, these are going to be a help. I should have looked at these pictures before. I like this, uh, this is our first hotel room, right? That'll intimidate Trotter. Here's one of me from behind. And I didn't think I could feel worse than I did a couple of seconds ago. Thank you. Ah, here's a good one of the tire marks. Could we get any farther away? Where'd you shoot this, from up in a tree? What's this over here? It's dog shit. Dog shit! That's great! Dog shit, what a clue! Why didn't I think of that? Here's one of me reading. Terrific. I should've asked you along time ago for these pictures. Holy shit, you got it, honey! You did it! The case cracker, me in the shower! Ha ha! I love this! That's it!

5) Mona Lisa Vito: Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along, you get thirsty, you spot a little brook, you put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water... BAM! A fuckin bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces! Now I ask ya. Would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?

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